Day 36

Today was the day to start working toward breastfeeding with Brynn. I was actually a bit nervous when we got there this morning--I guess because I felt the need to "perform" myself somehow. Our expectations (and those of the nurse and doctors) were really low. But, true to her "feisty" disposition, she surprised us all. After a little coaxing, she latched on and actually nursed like a champ for 15 whole minutes. The nurse was so excited that she left in the middle of the feeding to run and tell the doctor what was happening. I teared up but was able to keep from crying all over Brynn's poor little head. The nurse even said that she had teared up a bit. The doctor then approved an increase in breastfeeding from once to twice a day. When I went back that afternoon, I was getting stopped by nurses left and right telling me that they had heard about Brynn's breastfeeding success...she was clearly the talk of the unit! The nurse also continued to get my hopes up about an earlier discharge than expected, saying that she wouldn't be surprised if she went home around 38 weeks gestation (which is only 2 1/2 weeks away!!).

Holly and Lyle were a tremendous help today by taking Riley to the zoo and out for pizza so that we could get things done at the hospital and at home. While doing a load of laundry between hospital visits, I actually caught myself smiling for no good reason. I had to stop folding for a moment to actually put my finger on why my mood was so good. I finally decided that I was having a moment of "contentment." I can imagine that depression is a pretty common companion in these types of situations, but I can't say that I've felt really depressed so far. But, what has been constant is a feeling of discontentment. I never feel really settled and I constantly feel as if I am missing a part of myself. I wonder if this is what it will feel like when Riley and Brynn grow up and leave our house...but I am guessing that will seem "right" whereas there is nothing "right" about this separation. It was just a temporary contentment today, but it definitely felt like I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.