Day 27

What a difference a week can make. Last week at this time, I could barely see out of my swollen eyes because I'd been crying so much following the NEC scare. And today, I feel better about Brynn than ever! It really is the most extreme roller coaster ride ever. Last night she weighed in at an amazing 2 lbs 9 oz which was up 2 ounces from her previous weight. I just returned from the hospital for her 9:00 PM feed and she was weighed while I was there at 2 lb 8 oz, down about 20 grams. We're really happy with the amount of weight she's gained this week and she looks so much bigger to me already. I know if you were seeing her for the first time, "big" would not be the word that comes to mind. But, given how far she's come already, she looks so much better to me.

I went in this morning for her 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM feedings while Blaine went in for the 3:00 PM feeding. While I was there, the chaplain of the unit came by for a quick chat. I was able to share with her and Sandi (the nurse) all the emotions that I had experienced during Brynn's first few days in the NICU. During the C-Section, as soon as my doctor announced that the baby was a girl, I began asking over and over "how much does she weigh?" In the 2 weeks leading up to delivery, when I knew things weren't going well, I read lots of information about birth weight and gestational age. My primary goal was for the baby to reach 3 lbs 5 oz because the research suggested that this weight was associated with few long-term complications. Based on the ultrasound that morning estimating 2 lbs 5 oz, I knew my goal was impossible. But, the ultrasound had a +/-5 oz error margin and I was really hoping for 2 lbs 10 oz. They didn't end up weighing Brynn until she arrived in the NICU that night. Blaine brought me the news that she weighed only 1 lb 15 oz. I was absolutely devastated at that news. I remember immediately thinking that it was impossible that she would survive. Now, I was heavily drugged at that point, so I can excuse myself a bit, but the feeling persisted for several days. It was so bizarre to me that the nurses and all my family and friends kept congratulating us. Family members were asking what they could do to help get Brynn's nursery in order (since we hadn't done much of anything, thinking we had another 10 weeks to prepare), and although I reacted with appropriate gratitude, I remember thinking "won't that be excruciating torture to have to go home to a nursery." On the third day of feeling really disconnected and somewhat avoidant of the NICU, I worked up the courage to ask the vital question to her nurse about her chances of survival. I was floored when she told us that Brynn had a 90% chance of doing very well. Of all the game-changing moments we've had during this experience, I feel like that moment changed everything for me. Suddenly, I was so ashamed of how little faith I'd had in Brynn. She had been fighting with everything she had and I had thrown in the towel without ever trying. The best thing about tonight was being able to look into her precious eyes and tell her that I now know that I'll have a lifetime to make it up to her.